Love & Trauma

Love seems easy, but there are so many forms of love. Love is not something you can see, it is an idea. And when it comes to love and relationships it can become more complex.  You see as we go through life and encounter relationships, we often encounter struggles with how we communicate and show our love for one another.  And when we can't communicate this with the person, we truly love it can make things even harder, often leading to those relationships ending.  This often creates trauma that we carry with us into our next relationships.

And to be able to love you have to work through those traumas.  Yet here is the thing that no one really talks about, is that you don't ever get over that trauma.  You learn to deal with it, you gain tools to cope with it, but it is always there ready to trigger you in ways you don't even suspect it to.  And when it does it often ends up hurting the person you are in a new relationship with.  Trauma is very similar to grief it is always with you, and it will rear its' ugly head when you aren't always ready to deal with it.

And what is even harder is when both of you in this new relationship have past traumas.  You so desperately want to love each other and are so afraid of hurting the other, or triggering those traumas, that you don't always communicate your honest, true feelings.  In time, this often will play a toll on your relationship.  Be careful, if you really love the person, you could end up losing them.  Why?  To be honest and open you have to be willing to be vulnerable and not afraid of really loving, loving with your whole heart. You can't let things trip you up or create barriers that ultimately will be the ugly obstacle that keeps you from truly being happy. 

The other hard thing about love is that while it should be about you and your significant other, there are other people that factor into your relationship.  You see, they weigh in, because they too, love your significant other in various ways and they want what is best for them, there ultimate happiness.  They may not intend to interfere or play devil's advocate, but they often do, because they share what they notice, or what they don't notice you doing in favor of your significant other. This can play a role into your relationship. Often it will result in you losing out, on the love you have found and are trying to understand.  The thing most people don't get when your heart has been hurt and you've endured so much trauma is that you feel it is going to happen again, the thing that ended your last relationship.  For each person it is different, for me it was betrayal and even though I fully trusted my significant other, I kept letting my past control me.  I kept feeling this was too good to be true, and it is going to happen again, the betrayal.  In leaning into this it caused me to keep a wall up, which became an obstacle and resulted in me losing this new love.  In other words, I wasn't showing my significant other my love, some might have seen it as emotional neglect.  It wasn't intentional, it was the trauma and me not facing it or being honest with what I was feeling and sharing that with my significant other. 

As I already mentioned, it will often result in you losing out. And that is exactly what happened.  Fortunately, they are not out of my life completely, we are still friends.   So, now I must reflect and continue working on the trauma. This includes being honest with our friendship and making sure to still be able to show up with a different kind of love, but not to let the trauma be an obstacle.

In order to love, you must be willing to be vulnerable, and that includes all of your traumas. Be kind to yourself and to those you love.

Spiderman'ing Your Way Through Life

Have you ever stopped to wonder how your height affects your perception of how others view you, or how you view the world?

I am short. 5'0" to be exact, and so this is something I not only ponder, but battle with through the daily grind.  Some of you may know what I'm talking about, some of you might be secretly laughing. 

Do you ever find yourself in a grocery store trying to reach the last box of cereal on the top shelf, and because it's the last box it is also at the very back of the shelf?, Well when I first started shopping as an adult I would take this as a sign that I wasn't meant to purchase whatever item I couldn't reach. Unless I was fortunate enough to catch some taller shopper in the same aisle and ask for their assistance. Oftentimes I wouldn't ask, and that was because I realized I had accepted this stigma of being short. 

Somehow I didn't live up to some societal standard or conception. It took me quite awhile to stop accepting this view and embrace being short.

Since it is my birthday month I must explain how this was partly changed through a hip hop song when 50 cent popularized the slang term "shawty" in the song "In Da Club." I love the etymology of words and slang terms and looking at how they change through cultures and over the course of time. "Shawty" is the slang word for "shorty;" a term I am often called not only by my peers, but everyone. However when it is used as this slang term, it is used in an endearing way to describe an attractive female. So go ahead and call me shorty.

Okay, I admit it, it wasn't just this hip hop song released in 2003 that helped me to embrace my height.  It was all the times I struggled to do anything because of my height and overcame the challenge.  For instance, the cereal box I mentioned previously, once I learned to problem solve my way through these situations I gained a sense of empowerment.

So now when I find myself standing in a grocery store aisle unable to reach an item, I don't stop and look around for someone to assist me. I don't take it as a sign I'm not meant for this item today. I climb like Spidey and knock the cereal box to the edge with another box as I also climb across the lower shelves.

However I am not just empowered by my height at the grocery store. I've learned (maybe through my Spidey senses) to fully embrace my height. So much so, that when I am applying for a job and I come across the question that asks, "Is there anything that would impede you from doing this job?" I always respond that I am, "vertically challenged." This always seems to ease the tension and stuffiness of the interview, and it also grabs the interviewers' attention, as well as, provides an opportunity for me not only to be remembered,  but stand out.

It is all about perspective, every height has its' own challenge and vantage point. What is most important to note is that we all have an obligation to see each other and be aware of the words we use with each other that can cause stigmas and misconceptions.

So, have fun Spiderman'ing your way through life, but be sure to consider those around you whatever their height!

The Marsh - the smell of home

Right away the word marsh evokes a harsh, pungent thought.  Maybe as I grew up the smell was so awful that I found myself dreading it. And maybe, just maybe that is why I have given so much thought to this.  

I have a love-hate relationship with the marsh.  On early fall mornings, the smell is so pungent it wafts its' way further inland.  You arise and step outside with a coffee in hand on your way to work and feel encircled by it. Much like the stifling summer humidity that always seems to hit you like a wet towel. You know the feeling even after you've showered in the summer and you step out and its' so humid you already feel you need to step back in the shower.

This relationship that I have with the marsh is a conundrum.  You see at some point some teacher once asked me to write about my fears, particularly fears with death.  And per usual my fear always seems to be a little more thought out than others.  You see while I think the marsh is beautiful even with its' tenacious smell, I also fear it.

I would say it stems back to when I first began driving to Woodland Beach as a teen and getting my car stuck in the rising tide.  However, this fear began before that, I feel it was only further perpetuated by that moment.

My fear of dying isn't with death itself, it is dying with the smell of marsh being the last scent I ever smell. Furthermore, this fear is crippled with the idea that this would only occur by me somehow managing to find myself in a most precarious situation - my car sinking with me in the driver's seat and trapped into brackish marsh water.  I'd like to point out here that I've given so much thought to this that I've even researched having an emergency escape tool to break the window.

To add further to this fear - I think about the what if, if I don't escape and this is how I go...my body will bloat and become food for the bottom feeders, and someone will have to identify my body.  And the most important part of this is that the last smell I would have smelled is that diverse metabolic scent of nature twisted with salt air.

Now, I know that this is very dark and I've given way too much thought to it.  So on a lighter note and pushing my fear aside, let me share my love of the marsh.

Even with its' sulfurous rotten-egg smell caused by the billions of bacteria living in its' mud it is also necessary to mankind's survival.  The marsh serves as a carbon sink for our planet.  Just like our need for bees to pollinate plants, we also need marsh and swamp.  So I'll leave you with my words of love for the marsh.

With the buzzing of flies,

And the whisper of the birds wings 

as they fly overhead to swoop in

I listen to the gentle tapping of the grass reeds

as they dance in the slight breeze 

And as they are kissed with the moist humidity

and release that smell of hypoxia

I embrace you

With all of your stank putridness 

You are part of what reminds me of this place I call home.

"Hey Buzz, Lewis Carroll would have loved you" B-sides and infinite gladness

So I started this entry about six years ago, you see sometimes I just have thoughts that I need to pen down or even type out, but decide for different reasons that it isn't time.  This one, was personal, and it wasn't ready to be written, it needed time to brew and simmer.

Maybe I'm feeling the need for live music, and a concert, and because of Covid-19 that simply isn't happening. So I've turned to my album collection and began to reminisce about this love I have for music.  Haven't we all turned to music to help comfort us in this time of trouble?  So in thinking about times of trouble and words of wisdom, yes, you now have a Paul McCartney ear worm stuck in your head let's talk about B-sides?

B-sides? What is she talking about?  So way back in the day, music was recorded and sold on vinyl records (I know, vinyl is making a slight comeback, and b-sides were also on 45s).  Essentially record companies were looking for a way to profit more from a single, otherwise referred to as the A-side of an album. Songs selected for the A-side were those that were radio-friendly, climbing the charts, and originally intended as the single or album covers to be sold.  The B-sides were songs selected that were not originally intended for the album.  Today, these have become known or referred too often as bonus tracks.  For me, they are the hidden gems on the album.

I mean think about, how many of you actually still buy albums? I know that I am one of the few that still do.  (Yes, I still buy CDs, full albums). I do not purchase songs or tracks, I purchase the album.  Why?  Well because for me it is like the difference between buying one chapter of a book. You simply wouldn't read chapter 6, without reading the beginning or ending of a novel.  Albums are the same way.  Songs are written word with rhythm, rhyme, and a dope beat. Albums are carefully crafted, songs aren't just laid down with how they were written, but with a thought process.  You don't want to listen to the first half of an album with nothing but slow songs, you need a mixture and it has to be carefully selected.

Okay, so for argument's sake, let's start with a song that many of us are probably feeling right now.  "Revolution" by the Beatles was originally a B-side.  No matter what side of things you are on politically during this pandemic, many of us can agree with these lyrics,' You say you want a revolution, Well, you know, We all want to change the world, You tell me that it's evolution , Well, you know, We all want to change the world, But when you talk about destruction, Don't you know that you can count me out, Don't you know it's gonna be, All right, All right, All right..."  So you say your not a Beatles fan, what about the Stones, The Rolling Stones "You Can't Always Get What You Want".  I know some of us, might be singing this one to ourselves as we hit the grocery store right now looking for our preferred brand of toilet paper, "we just might have to get what we need".  

For real though, B-sides are songs of infinite gladness.  I grew up in the 80s and 90s, which is full of iconic music and when I think of B-sides, I think of ordering countless cassette tapes from Columbia Records, or running to Sam Goody to purchase the latest album of a favorite band.  I really miss wearing out cassette tapes from either overplaying the entire cassette or rewinding it to that song you just wanted to sing along to again and again.  If you grew up during this time, you know what it was like to keep a pencil nearby so you could fix the tape,  and you also know what it was like to have a CD skip in a car.   But one of my favorite things about this time was getting a mixed tape from a friend filled with B-sides.  So in honor of a B-side mixed tape, here you go...

1-Talk Show Host by Radiohead (*if you listen closely in Baz Luhrmann's Romeo & Juliet you will catch a bit of this song)

2- Starla by Smashing Pumpkins (*if you hated the Pumpkins, listen to the full 11 minutes of this one)

3- Now by Edie Brickell 

4- Half the World Away by Oasis 

5- Good Riddance by Green Day 

6- Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam

7- How Soon is Now by the Smiths

8- Another Journey by Train by the Cure

9- Bullet the Blue Sky by U2

10- Man Who Sold the World  by David Bowie