Secretly I am an SNL writer

Okay so I admit I'm not a writer for SNL and realistically probably never will be, but a girl can always dream right? And why not dream big?


Some people listen to music and have a groove session, and yeah sometimes I throw on a old skool cd, like Hole and belt out, "And the sky was made of amethyst and all the stars were just like little fish". (And then I hate myself for a minute, because I realize I am singing along to the woman I believe is at least partly responsible for the death of hero, Kurt Cobain). I realize I have a shit voice, which I  have accepted.  I still sing anyway, because a wise uncle told me (Thomas Callahan), it is good for the soul.  But then there are those times where my dreams collide it occurs when the music ignites my writing soul.  That is when I whip up these antics and dream up surreal SNL skits-that make  my soul burn with laughter.


Recently I shared one on my Facebook page, which was brought on by Beastie Boys "Boomin' Granny".  Most people know Beastie Boys for their more popular songs like "Brass Monkey" and "Fight for Your Right". Beastie Boys were amazing- in one word their success screams- IRONY.  I mean thinking back on it, who would have ever paired these New York Jewish rappers on Madonna's "Like a Virgin Tour"? Yeah, that is one of those silly facts I know...and yes, yes they did open for Madonna.  And I say, "were" amazing, because sadly, Adam Yauch aka MCA, passed away in 2012.


Now speaking of Jewish rappers, Andy Samberg brought to SNL some witty and amazing raps on SNL digital shorts.  So when I am listening to "Boomin' Granny" on my way into work and thinking about how awesome the upcoming SNL is going to be because Jimmy Fallon is hosting and Justin Timberlake is the musical guest, I can't help but envision them doing this skit of "Boomin' Granny" with special guest, Betty White as the granny (for so many reasons, and if you have seen her host SNL you know one of them) and bringing on, Andy Samberg, Fallon and Timberlake as the Beastie Boys.  There would be so much "good n' plenty" I think I seriously would have peed my big girl panties.


Now with that story explained I must now explain my most recently invented skit after watching 47 Ronin.  First of all I must explain that I don't know what kind of contract Keanu Reeves' manager/agent was able to secure for him for this film, because well let's just say his character is a completely Disney-fied made up piece of bullshit to the original Ronin story.  Anyway I admit when my husband showed interest in seeing this film I was a little apprehensive, but I'm drawn to stories of Asian cultures (I'm known to watch obscure Korean, Japanese and Chinese movies with subtitles, including Monkey-just imagine an Asian version of Xena, but about a boy named Monkey).  I watched the trailers and thought okay, it might not be that bad, and I am warning you now, do not be tricked as I was...the cinematography and special effects are brilliant, but the story falls short. 


Now I won't spoil the film or the story, just say that as you can imagine this story is filled with fight scenes, one of which includes a character who is a little on the chubby side having a death scene and Reeves' character sitting by his bedside.  The chubby character tells Kai (Reeves), who is an outcast of the village and lives in a hut that he is sorry for throwing stones at his head when they were children.  And Kai in a serious tone replies, "I always knew it was you, I could see your belly sticking out from the tree".  Now what is funny is that this is not just out of place humor in the film, but that it became quite obvious to me that Reeves' training for this film seemed to be drinking beer and was a little chubby himself.  Now I am not one to poke fun at weight, as I have always struggled with my own weight, however, if you are going to create a blockbuster film, you need your star actor to look the part.  Reeves did not look fit at all for this film. I'm just saying it is like the difference between Christian Bale and Michael Keaton playing Batman...do you get my meaning? 


So when the film ended and we were discussing our thoughts on the film, I shared how ridiculous I thought that part was...and said seriously I could so see this being a commercial trailer on SNL.  I could see Kenan Thompson playing the chubby character dying and a guest host, maybe even Reeves himself, play Kai. But having the dying character reply why he wasn't cast for his role as Kai.  It is seriously like when Mark Wahlberg delivers a line in a film, that if anyone else said it, it would just sound completely disjointed and wrong, but because Wahlberg says it, it comes across badass.


I know this blog is all over the place, but to understand how I get to these SNL skits, you have to have some back story here and there.  And yes, if you are wondering I have submitted skits in the past to SNL via email.  If any of you remember the T-Mobile commercial  a few Christmases ago promoting 4G with a bunch of elves and found yourself doing a double take of the television to clarify that you didn't just hear little elves on your TV saying "Orgy" you were not alone.  I wrote to SNL saying I could totally see them creating an SNL commercial, like the Fifty Shades of Grey one they did for Amazon.  And I also wrote them a skit about having Kenan Thompson  playing CeeLo Green on the Voice and just poking fun at the fact that CeeLo had a parrot on his shoulder and was always rubbing his white socks on the chair legs and never wearing shoes. Now I will say they may not of done the skit as I wrote it in, but that was the SNL episode where Melissa McCarthy hosted and plays a contestant on the Voice and Thompson comes on stage as Cee Lo to talk to McCarthy about getting their parrots and getting out of there.  So I will keep dreaming, submitting and laughing out loud along the way!!!

Obnoxxxious is Sexy

Okay so I am super excited for Saturday Night Live this weekend, why because Melissa McCarthy is hosting, of course!  Recently I read an article in which a critic was reviewing  McCarthy's recent film Identity Thief and said " [She] is a gimmick comedian who has devoted her short career to being obese and obnoxious" (Rex Reed, The New York Observer). And I cannot help, but allow this to be an opportunity to discuss the issues of weight, society and what it means to be a successful comedian. 

And I am going to be honest with you here, for those of you who have known me most of my life know this, but for those of you who don't may not.  I am not skinny, or even a thin woman, nor have I ever been.  I could blame my height, my genetic disposition, or even that fact that I have been raised mostly on a Western diet chocked full of sugar, corn syrup and carbohydrates.  However, I believe that yes, some of these issues may be contributors to my weight and body type, but I do not feel they are the sole reasons.  I do not believe in using such issues as excuses, nor do I feel placing all my attention  and emphasize on those issues is a healthy way to live.  I believe that one first must accept self. By that I mean, being happy with yourself, knowing who you are, what you want, what drives you and motivates you...for some of us, that may be learning to laugh at ourselves, as most comedians will tell you.  My prime example, is Tina Fey, in her memoir Bossypants (which if you haven't read it, do it, its' full of stories that will make you laugh, and make you take a stroll down memory lane). I also feel our weight does not state who we are, we do. Critic Rex Reed, states that McCarthy is a gimmick comedian, if that were true, then all comedians are "gimmick" comedians. What's the gimmick? learning to laugh at yourself, while making others laugh with you. I know that Reed meant that McCarthy is using her weight as part of her gimmick, however I disagree.  I think she has accepted her weight, but I do not feel she uses it to market or brand herself.

What I am getting at is, and to respond to critic Reed, yes, some of us are "obnoxious".  I love being obnoxious...now I know this isn't an attribute shared by all. But let's just look at the word, and fix the spelling o-b-n-o-x-x-x-i-o-u-s.  Now that's how I like to look at the word, by adding the x's it makes you realize that obnoxious is something to take ownership of, because its not only annoyingly outrageous, its outrageously sexy.  Hmm. Mmm. That's right, sexy!  You see, when you aren't as drop dead gorgeous or super model material, like let's say as Halle Barry, Gisele Bundchen or Gwen Stefani (personally I just think she has some of the best legs ever!); you have to really know yourself and your talents, because we can't just pull a Sharon Stone move with our legs and make things happen.  And one of the best ways to go about this is learning to laugh at yourself, with yourself and with others about the not so "perfect" life.  Now, this may mean, while we are laughing at ourselves we come across as obnoxious, but for those of you who can relate, you know that this laughter is joyous and sexy.  I mean just ask any woman what she is looking for when seeking a man or husband, I guarantee most woman will say they want someone with a sense of humor, and vice verse of the opposite sex. And who does not find a sense of humor sexy?

I think Reed confuses what he sees as obnoxious, which obviously is weight with being a funny comedian.  McCarthy is successful, because she knows something about timing and delivering a line, not everyone can do this..and if you are wondering what I mean, watch SNL when someone who does not have a comedic background tries to be funny and just can't deliver.  I mean, when McCarthy played Linda in the Garlic Ranch Blast skit on her last guest hosting of SNL and says, "There's a Hidden Valley Ranch party in my mouth", I laughed my arse off, to the point I had tears in my eyes.  So please, Melissa McCarthy continue to bring us your obnoxxxiousness!!!