Select-A-Size: Adult Paper Towel

            So there I was, lying naked in the examination room waiting for the doctor to have her way with my cooter. I soon realized from the pain protruding from my sciatic nerve and my mind wondering to the paranoia of whether a small camera was peering at me through the noise ventilation box in the ceiling that I had been waiting far too long.

As I sat up and laid down on the crinkling sanitation paper on the examination table trying to relieve the pain I debated whether I should storm into the hallway full commando and start screaming, “Hey, hey here I am, is this what you wanted to see, me naked for your employees!” Instead I continued to lay there putting my feet up into the stirrups that remind me of some twisted torture device from the Dark Ages. I try moving my knees in and out because my sciatic nerve is hurting something fierce and I quickly realize that if there is a mini camera peering down at me through that box my actions look like I am auditioning for Suzanne Somers Thighmaster infomercial.  I contemplate actually getting off the table to check my cellphone for the time, but I figure as soon as I grab it the door will open.

Well it seems as if ten more minutes have gone by and I start fiddling with the crappy sheet made out of paper, aka “the gown” the assistant hands you to drape your body with when you are placed in this prison cell of an examination room. I look at the tear I already made in the sheet from trying to remember which way the doctor wants this oversize paper towel placed around my body. I figure I should just toss it and say what’s the point, it doesn’t fit around my body. It doesn’t keep me warm in this cold ass room, and I have already been humiliated by the time I have sat here observing the flaws of my body and thinking some pervert is spying on me through the damn ventilation box.  So I begin analyzing each step of the process of this torture session at the O.B.G.Y.N. Still frustrated by which way to drape my body I am reminded of the fact that anyone who walks in this room the way I have situated this damn oversized paper towel gets a full view of my ass crack and my acne scars on my upper back. It is at that moment I fully realize this fucking sheet does not do anything but let me struggle for some bit of security as if I’m fucking Linus van Pelt from Charles Schulz’ comic Charlie Brown. What security is there in knowing that this doctor is going to feel my breasts for lumps, shove a cold ass metal clamp up my cooter to scrape a sample off and then put that vaginal jelly up my va-j-j with her latex covered fingers that feels like the thickest petroleum jelly you have ever felt!!!

The wait in the exam room took nearly 45 minutes, the actual exam 10 minutes (I am not bothering with how long I waited in the lobby prior to the exam).  Needless to say I changed practices after this visit.

"He just couldn't say no to her"

In a recent post I asked, when did you first fall in love with comic books? Well what spawned that post was a visit to my friend, Patrick Titus' The Comic Book Shop. While visiting  and taking in the G.I Joe Launch party, besides reminiscing about the good old days, we got to talking about the comics we like, and how it had been awhile since I had bought one.  That is when Titus pointed me to Saga, Vol. 1 by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples. And now I am completely hooked,

Saga, Vol. 1 is simply brilliant.  As an avid reader I am always looking for a story that has it all, that pushes all the limits and this storyline does just that, and does it successfully.  I will state this up front, this is an adult graphic novel, I would not recommend this to just anyone.  Vaughan takes you on a trippy space odyssey of star-crossed lovers, caught in the midst of a war, and yes, with the Shakespeare innuendo there is the upper class royal characters as well, but what Vaughan does with them is pretty far out and wild, he gives them television/monitors for heads, which just adds to the ongoing humor throughout the story. If you like magic, fantasy, sexual exploration, and bounty hunters, yeah, it has all that, and you will love it, or at least admire Vaughan's creativity.

What hooked me in from the beginning was the opening scene, the star-crossed lovers, Alana and Marko are in the midst of the birth of their child, when Alana says, "Seriously, you'll never have sex with me again if I defecate all over you". LOL! Yes, I know my humor may be just as twisted as Vaughan's, but I think I know plenty women out there who have given birth, and know that thought and sometimes fear of pooping on the table during childbirth.  I know one woman who shared with me during my pregnancy that she was so worried about pooping on the table, that she kept downing castor oil, so this is not as far fetched as some of you might think.  But that is what caught me, I love Vaughan's raw and edgy writing, it reminds me of some of my own writing.  Some critics have said Vaughan is batshit crazy, well personally I think he writes in a very real and honest way, that most people are just not accustomed to hearing, because we follow what society deems is appropriate.  Another passage for all you mothers, "You know what my idea of horror is? Nine months of forced sobriety. If I could survive that..."-Alana.

So needless to say, I am looking forward to reading the rest of the series and can't wait to get my hands on Volume 2.  And if you need more to draw you to at least take a peek at this graphic novel, then this might do the trick...another critics review of this work, stated this story is Game of Thrones meets Star Wars. Thanks again, Titus for turning me onto this one!

Brilliant. A story that has it all, sci-fiction, fantasy, drama, and even a little Shakespeare...if you like stories about star-crossed lovers you will love this, well keeping in mind you also don't mind adult graphics and storyline as well. I can't wait to get my hands on the next volume and see where this story continues to go.